Thursday, August 05, 2010

holland

Posted by tumbleweedgirl at 2:45 PM




there are all these sweet things people write about the place called 'Holland', but it's always from a parenting perspective. i wonder what thoughts, fears, hopes, hurts, and other things would come from the heart and mind of a sibling who just as abruptly was transplanted to 'Holland'. i'm guessing it would not be filled with the same kinds of thoughts and feelings. they're valid, though, and i hope to remain aware of them for both zaya's and lia's sakes.

i know this is lia's story, but zaya plays a very large role in her story. i've known for a while that zaya sees the world differently, but i'm only now beginning to see how much this is true. he is conscious of lia's cords, and helps to untangle her. he worries if he doesn't see me load a tank in the truck for lia. he thinks our trips are only to the doctor, and he's mostly right. we are trying to change that more and more, but it takes a lot of time to straddle the world of 'normal' and the world of 'holland'.

he's driving his baby to the doctor because she can't breathe well. he frequently asks where the tubes are for other babies, and worries when they cry. when he's playing pretend, his animals have their own tanks to breathe better, and sometimes he ties cords around their faces to make sure the air is getting in.

it kills me that he understands these things, that they are normal to him. i know plenty of people would think it's so precious and special how he does this. not me, i hate that he knows about this. i hate that he worries that i will take lia to the doctor someday and not come home with her.

his heart is so big, so kind, so loving, and yet he's still a boy. he takes her toys, and builds fences to keep her in one spot. she follows him around, and watches him adoringly while he does some amazing feat like walking without falling. she tries to walk, sometimes falls, and he's there to help her up. i know it's a good life, it's just hard knowing that zaya already knows some of the hard things.

 

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1 comments:

race_12_1 said...

I had these same feelings when I was so sick. At the beginning Bryan was barely going to be 5. We had to help him understand what seizures were, what to do if I had one, and explain to him why mommy had to have brain surgery. Now, at 9, he is a very compassionate child. He is still a little boy, yet his heart is one to be envied by grown men. He sees other hurting and wants to help. He loves helping younger children do things, and learn things. He finds ways to make others happy. I know his childhood will make him a man of compassion and commitment, and that he will benefit from what he was forced to learn so early. I am now beginning to see that, so it upsets me that much less.

August 5, 2010 4:17 PM  

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